paperscout: ((x) wrist; "stay true to your <3")
Earlier this week, someone on f!s asked why people want the "friendships forged through fire" or whatever, like in movies and TV and stuff. They said they'd had those and they didn't last. I'm inferring that it's because the situation was forced, and obviously wasn't permanent (like, for instance, fighting vampires and constantly trying to save the world would be permanent). I had no answer for them. 
"I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but it's feeling just like every other morning before.
Now I wonder what my life is gonna mean if it's gone."

Later, I realized they were right. Totally right. Everything always has to be about decisions. People have to make choices. That's what really determines who you are. If your decisions aren't really optional, and you do things purely out of desperation and necessity, whatever comes out of that won't last. You don't really see that in the span of 90 minutes.

"The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour,
and I started staring at the passengers and waving goodbye.
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?"

It makes me glad my desperation is rare. It's never situation-based. Ever. I used to want it to be. I used to think that would make things -- me, even -- better. Stronger. But I think I've finally realized -- it won't. And more than that, it doesn't matter. The things that are real, and that matter, will happen the way they should. There can be magic in real life, we just have to notice it when it comes around.

"But I believe the world is burning to the ground.
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out.
Let's see how far we've come.
Let's see how far we've come."

I think there are certain things every person searches for, to different degrees of awareness. And some just have these things already. And I'm not sure what the point of it all is, whatsoever. But there's got to be a point. And even if there isn't, I want to find out the hard way. Partly to know, and partly to feel.

"I believe it all is coming to an end.
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend.
Let's see how far we've come.
Let's see how far we've come."

I've just been looking in the wrong places. It's when you're not looking at all, I think that's when you find whatever it is you want, whatever it is you need. When you don't know, maybe even when you give up.

"I think you turn, turn the clock, but I don't really know.
And I can't remember caring for an hour or so."

I usually know when I'm wrong. Really wrong. I don't feel that right now. But I'm used to being wrong. In the wrong place. All that stuff. The thought of possibly getting something right? I don't know what to do with that. I wish I did, but I don't.

"Started crying and I couldn't stop myself,
I started running but there's nowhere to run to."

My desperation makes me fucking crazy when it finally shows up. But I can't change who I am to get what I want, or it won't be real. I know that, even if it's hard to remember.

"I sat down on the street, took a look at myself,
Said 'Where you going man? You know this world is headed for hell.'"

If I'm ever in the right place, if ever anything is actually right, all the stuff that people think is wrong with me, won't matter. I've seen that now.

"Say your goodbyes if you got someone you can say goodbye to."

And I like it.
paperscout: ((glee) group; "it's my life!")
I think I posted something about this briefly, but I realized recently that going to Starbucks was really the only thing I did every day, my only sense of routine. The last month of working a random schedule in retail, 6 months of semi-unemployment before that, some personal assisting, moving and traveling for a couple months, and even 3.5 years of randomly scheduled college classes, there really hasn't been any sort of routine in my life. In a lot of ways, that's great. But I think I need some sort of constant (and Daniel Faraday cannot be my constant since he's not actually real *cough*Lost joke*cough*), so apparently going to Starbucks was it. And it's been that more than actual coffee that I've been missing in these past couple weeks of going without (okay I had it once when I was so tired I thought I was going to die, but of course, caffeine has no impact on me anymore).

So I'm trying to think of something new I can do every day. "Write" is the obvious choice, but I think I need something more specific than that in order to make myself stick to it. Even like, "write a fan fic drabble" or "write really bad poetry" or something. But I haven't decided what. Ideally a really strong writing habit will build from that, because obviously, that's what I need. I just...need to find a way to get there. Or maybe not even something specific at all, but just that I have to write and post one thing for accountability each day (not on this LJ, don't worry. I already post enough as it is haha). Maybe for like 30 days, or 60 or 100, in a row. Just to DO it. I've gotten pretty decent at taking things away from myself, but now I need to deal with building new habits on top of that.

I don't think this is really the kind of thing where I can ask for suggestions, but hey, if for some reason anyone has some, let me know lol


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April 2011

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